I love food so I'm thankful that food was served today (or yesterday).
I'm thankful that people are thankful (not really) but I'm so annoyed with seeing it come up on everybody's statuses. Everytime somebody repeats the same thing after another and it becomes a thing where everybody is doing it, I don't want to become a part of it. Am I a rebel or am I just a prude? I could be both! Anyway, maybe I'm bitter for some reason and/or unhappy but I just had nothing to be "thankful" for. I appreciate things but I appreciate a lot of things regardless of the holiday. Yes, deep down inside, I am thankful for some things that everyone else is thankful for but I can't bring myself to say them. So that poses the question, am I really thankful? I guesss I just don't care, am I careless? Somewhat. What can I do?
Friday, November 26, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
metal soothes me
Metal music is a quick fix to this unbearable pain and anxiety churning inside of me. For anyone older than me, or not me, in general, this isn't just teen angst, in fact it probably isn't at all. Could you even remember what it was like being 19, having a job, holding certain responsibilities but still living under your parents' roof? I imagine living this life is easy and fortunate compared to most of the world that which is still unfortunate. But even though I still have it just as good, this isn't about what I don't have compared to what the rest of the world doesn't have.
Anyway, let's get down to business. At first, I was morbidly upset with my "dad" last weekend because he automatically said "no" to my Rome excursion (as mentioned in my first post).
His unreasonable reasons considered to even be called "reasons":
1. Finance/Funding
2. "We're not white people"
3. Italians are super friendly to people with American passports, it's dangerous.
I cannot even begin to explain how many times I've been through his fucking explanations. They kill me inside each time. Last weekend, my raw-raging-intense-can't-even-describe-with-words-drug-induced emotions had caused me physical pain (no, I don't cut myself, that's retarded). It was last Saturday night when I asked him, and I was in complete madness I couldn't find anything to calm me down. It got to the point where I kept banging my head on things and punching things which didn't even begin to help, so I got on the phone to call my mom. To hear my mom's voice helped, and to have her home and confide in her calmed me down the most. She isn't happy with the thought of Rome either but at least she took it into consideration because she's a little more understanding and open-minded. I really don't know where my dad got this "strict pseud-Traditional" parenting from... It's honestly not written anywhere in the Chinese books, nor is it at all FUCKING EASTERN!!!!!!!!!! Most things he comes up with is, yes, Asian, but most things have no connection to race, it's just his own peculiar no-brainer standards. I hate bad-mouthing my dad knowing how his first 2 kids treat him like nothing. Yes, if they saw this, then yes, they would probably think, yes I know how he is now, now I can convert to the dark side. BUT HELL NO, I would never stoop that low. They can't even begin to talk shit about him because they don't know him as well as I do. If any of my older half-siblings or even the Switzerland brother who still thinks there's a chance to be good with them reads this and thinks I'm just the immature little sister that's been "brainwashed" to think of them as none-too-good then fuck you. It's all because of you two who still taints my dad's mind and heart today. My mom even said, it's like my dad has no heart. I won't say he's heartless but I would explain it as how he just never thinks to the heart of solutions, or heart of the situation.
Yes, a solution to leave him would probably make life much enjoyable for me but honestly, how long will he be around? I don't want to contribute to his cause of death. He's already unhealthy as it is because of his anger issues and I have to hold my opinions in because he won't even consider thinking about them. And you know where that ends up? I'll start to have fucking health problems because I can't keep bottling these feelings just to keep him happy! It's costing my own happyiness and health. This is true Altruism and it hasn't been reciprocal.
Last night, he keeps haggling me and telling me to do shit like, "put your boots away, because so and so","open up this air freshener and put it in the bathroom","check this and that"....... And I'm thinking, ARE YOU FUCKING TRYING TO GET A RISE OUT OF ME OR CAN YOU REALLY NOT LEAVE ME ALONE?!
Earlier tonight, he comes to my room to ask if I'm still thinking about Rome and goes, "I hope you're not because you know I told your mom that if she lets you go then I'll move. Now you know how strongly I feel about it." I'm thinking, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED TO USE THREATS LIKE THAT?! IF SO, BE MY GUEST.
He's like, "1. Italians like American passports, 2. Finance, 3. We're not white people, we don't let our kids just go anywhere"
Okay, how many times have I told him... I can finance it myself if I have to.
All of these things I could've rebuttled, I held it in and rolled my eyes because my mom told me earlier in the week to just keep my mouth shut about it. So, I'm going to keep my mouth shut to see if that helps. Well, there you have it. IT DOESN'T HELP. After he left my room, I literally had to withold myself against punching something. I took deep breaths. I went to the bathroom because I needed to pee, and when I came out, I held my door and pounded my head against it two times and punched it once. There was already a concerned look on my brother Tai's face.
My dad heard and came and asked who hit the door and I wouldn't answer but he kept insisting and I answered, "I don't know." Then he goes, "I'm still in this house, I'm not dead yet!"
WHAT THE FUCK, WHO SAYS THESE THINGS?!
Is he a freaking moron, don't answer that. Him bringing that up, just raised my blood level to an almost all-time high, and to hold all of that in... I just want to burst out screaming but I can't. I just can't do certain things. I can't do this, I can't do that. I'm constrained. Nobody knows. People can say, "don't let him get to you" or "do whatever you want and get over it" or "be independent" but I'm not that much of a rebel because I think to the core of these situations and I'm always thinking about consequences like, NOT TRYING TO GIVE HIM A HEART ATTACK EVEN THOUGH IT'S COSTING ME.
To anyone reading this, no, don't judge me on how I sound discerning my age. No, the way I am venting here is not because my prefrontal cortex is still underdeveloped. This is not because I'm just still young and how I don't understand certain things. This is real talk. I do understand things, more than most, I'd say. I take things into consideration, my thought train goes as fast as it goes. I've got lightning strikes of thoughts going 100mph. My dad is stubborn and all these other things no one else would be able to imagine or understand because they're not me. It is so hard being his daughter. But I would rather have no dad at all than to not have him as my dad. The solution: Time. When? When I move out. I'll have to deal with him as my dad for a while even after I move out but I won't have to follow through with whatever he orders around.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Anyway, let's get down to business. At first, I was morbidly upset with my "dad" last weekend because he automatically said "no" to my Rome excursion (as mentioned in my first post).
His unreasonable reasons considered to even be called "reasons":
1. Finance/Funding
2. "We're not white people"
3. Italians are super friendly to people with American passports, it's dangerous.
I cannot even begin to explain how many times I've been through his fucking explanations. They kill me inside each time. Last weekend, my raw-raging-intense-can't-even-describe-with-words-drug-induced emotions had caused me physical pain (no, I don't cut myself, that's retarded). It was last Saturday night when I asked him, and I was in complete madness I couldn't find anything to calm me down. It got to the point where I kept banging my head on things and punching things which didn't even begin to help, so I got on the phone to call my mom. To hear my mom's voice helped, and to have her home and confide in her calmed me down the most. She isn't happy with the thought of Rome either but at least she took it into consideration because she's a little more understanding and open-minded. I really don't know where my dad got this "strict pseud-Traditional" parenting from... It's honestly not written anywhere in the Chinese books, nor is it at all FUCKING EASTERN!!!!!!!!!! Most things he comes up with is, yes, Asian, but most things have no connection to race, it's just his own peculiar no-brainer standards. I hate bad-mouthing my dad knowing how his first 2 kids treat him like nothing. Yes, if they saw this, then yes, they would probably think, yes I know how he is now, now I can convert to the dark side. BUT HELL NO, I would never stoop that low. They can't even begin to talk shit about him because they don't know him as well as I do. If any of my older half-siblings or even the Switzerland brother who still thinks there's a chance to be good with them reads this and thinks I'm just the immature little sister that's been "brainwashed" to think of them as none-too-good then fuck you. It's all because of you two who still taints my dad's mind and heart today. My mom even said, it's like my dad has no heart. I won't say he's heartless but I would explain it as how he just never thinks to the heart of solutions, or heart of the situation.
Yes, a solution to leave him would probably make life much enjoyable for me but honestly, how long will he be around? I don't want to contribute to his cause of death. He's already unhealthy as it is because of his anger issues and I have to hold my opinions in because he won't even consider thinking about them. And you know where that ends up? I'll start to have fucking health problems because I can't keep bottling these feelings just to keep him happy! It's costing my own happyiness and health. This is true Altruism and it hasn't been reciprocal.
Last night, he keeps haggling me and telling me to do shit like, "put your boots away, because so and so","open up this air freshener and put it in the bathroom","check this and that"....... And I'm thinking, ARE YOU FUCKING TRYING TO GET A RISE OUT OF ME OR CAN YOU REALLY NOT LEAVE ME ALONE?!
Earlier tonight, he comes to my room to ask if I'm still thinking about Rome and goes, "I hope you're not because you know I told your mom that if she lets you go then I'll move. Now you know how strongly I feel about it." I'm thinking, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED TO USE THREATS LIKE THAT?! IF SO, BE MY GUEST.
He's like, "1. Italians like American passports, 2. Finance, 3. We're not white people, we don't let our kids just go anywhere"
Okay, how many times have I told him... I can finance it myself if I have to.
All of these things I could've rebuttled, I held it in and rolled my eyes because my mom told me earlier in the week to just keep my mouth shut about it. So, I'm going to keep my mouth shut to see if that helps. Well, there you have it. IT DOESN'T HELP. After he left my room, I literally had to withold myself against punching something. I took deep breaths. I went to the bathroom because I needed to pee, and when I came out, I held my door and pounded my head against it two times and punched it once. There was already a concerned look on my brother Tai's face.
My dad heard and came and asked who hit the door and I wouldn't answer but he kept insisting and I answered, "I don't know." Then he goes, "I'm still in this house, I'm not dead yet!"
WHAT THE FUCK, WHO SAYS THESE THINGS?!
Is he a freaking moron, don't answer that. Him bringing that up, just raised my blood level to an almost all-time high, and to hold all of that in... I just want to burst out screaming but I can't. I just can't do certain things. I can't do this, I can't do that. I'm constrained. Nobody knows. People can say, "don't let him get to you" or "do whatever you want and get over it" or "be independent" but I'm not that much of a rebel because I think to the core of these situations and I'm always thinking about consequences like, NOT TRYING TO GIVE HIM A HEART ATTACK EVEN THOUGH IT'S COSTING ME.
To anyone reading this, no, don't judge me on how I sound discerning my age. No, the way I am venting here is not because my prefrontal cortex is still underdeveloped. This is not because I'm just still young and how I don't understand certain things. This is real talk. I do understand things, more than most, I'd say. I take things into consideration, my thought train goes as fast as it goes. I've got lightning strikes of thoughts going 100mph. My dad is stubborn and all these other things no one else would be able to imagine or understand because they're not me. It is so hard being his daughter. But I would rather have no dad at all than to not have him as my dad. The solution: Time. When? When I move out. I'll have to deal with him as my dad for a while even after I move out but I won't have to follow through with whatever he orders around.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Ice Cream is going to save the day
This song makes me happy and so I decided to dance to it happily. There's something about it that touches my heart too. It's got a hint of sentiment that almost makes me sad at the same time.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Oh Man
It's still Sunday and I'm writing another post. I definitely slept the whole day, it's currently 5:57pm. My neck is very sore. I think I pulled a muscle because I was doing some demony-possessed hitting, screaming, raising hell in my room yesterday after the bad news ensued. My forehead also hurts when I touch it.
I wasted a lot of time this afternoon not studying for my Chinese quiz tomorrow morning, or even studying for my Animal Behavior exam on Tuesday. I really hope this neck thing doesn't affect me waking up tomorrow morning. Blahhhh.
On another note, I really hope Tuesday morning comes soon because I want to register for my classes! I can't wait and I hope I get those classes.
I wasted a lot of time this afternoon not studying for my Chinese quiz tomorrow morning, or even studying for my Animal Behavior exam on Tuesday. I really hope this neck thing doesn't affect me waking up tomorrow morning. Blahhhh.
On another note, I really hope Tuesday morning comes soon because I want to register for my classes! I can't wait and I hope I get those classes.
other stuff to save for
So last night, I found out I couldn't go to Rome. Well, what a surprise, right? I hate all of you who and even myself who knew the answer beforehand (I had to ask my dad). These old Asians don't know anything about the worth of studying abroad. But I guess, it'd be much better/cheaper if I just went by myself after college.
So, even though I had just started to save up, I think I'm still going to save for my rainy days or for something even better.
But now I can splurge a little in between saving:
-Get the ear piercings I've been wanting for a while
-Save up so I can get an apartment after college
-Perhaps buy a car?
-Plan my escape
So, even though I had just started to save up, I think I'm still going to save for my rainy days or for something even better.
But now I can splurge a little in between saving:
-Get the ear piercings I've been wanting for a while
-Save up so I can get an apartment after college
-Perhaps buy a car?
-Plan my escape
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